


Why Did N-Nobody Find Me?

by checkr1bored



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: A tiny bit of fluff, Angst, Established Relationship, Hurt, If you look REALLY close, M/M, Oneshot, Slight Comfort, Treebros, emotional breakdown, if you look close, mentions of past suicide attempt, the word boyfriend is there at least twice so...
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:21:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24819079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/checkr1bored/pseuds/checkr1bored
Summary: Connor takes his anger out on Evan resulting in Evan finally telling someone about how he actually broke his arm.I'm sorry this is really angsty one-shot but I needed to get it off my chest.
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Comments: 2
Kudos: 125





	Why Did N-Nobody Find Me?

“OH FUCK YOU EVAN, you haven’t been in my head! You! Don’t! Fucking! Get! It! You’ve never planned for weeks on end how you’re going to kill yourself ! You’ve never known that if you just were gone your family wouldn’t have to deal with your fucked up shit anymore! You haven’t stared at a pile of fucking pills for HOURS until figuring out that you can’t fucking do it yet! YOU DON’T GET IT!” Connor screamed at Evan, watching as the boy’s face turned red, his eyes filling with tears as he picks at the hem of his shirt before slipping and picking his thumbs so badly it bleeds.

“FINE! You think I don’t fucking get it?” Evan says at almost a whisper, his voice breaking before quickly turning into a full-blown yell, tears streaming down his face “Sure I don’t get it then! I don’t get what it’s like to stare at the fucking ceiling for hours, knowing how much better my mom’s life would be if she didn’t have to worry about my fucking meds and therapy or about the fact that I might starve myself because I'm too fucking n-nervous to talk to a delivery person! I don’t get what it’s like to ask my boss which trees are the tallest in the park or, or researching how FUCKING high you have to jump from to kill yourself properly! OR MAYBE I-I DON’T GET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO CLIMB A SIXTY FOOT TREE AND STARE DOWN AT THE GROUND HOPING THAT IT’S HIGH ENOUGH TO KILL ME! OR MAYBE IT’S THE THING ITSELF I DON’T GET, M-MAYBE, MAYBE I JUST DON’T GET JUMPING OUT OF THAT TREE AND ALL I GET IS A BROKEN FUCKING ARM!” Evan is crying so hard he is physically shaking and Connor can’t find any words that he could possibly say.

“E-Ev-” Connor can’t find any of the anger that once filled him.

“N-NO, YOU DON’T FUCKING GET IT!!! I layed on the ground for what felt like HOURS! Just, just waiting thinking that maybe this time, just fucking maybe, somebody will notice I’m missing or someone heard me fall, THAT SOMEONE FOR ONCE IN MY MISERABLE GOD DAMN LIFE WOULD JUST FIND ME! But no I had to get up and walk myself to my bosses office with a broken arm and the knowledge that I can’t even KILL MYSELF PROPERLY! I had to listen to my boss tell me nobody even noticed I was missing! I had to walk around with a cast for weeks telling EVERYONE I FELL OUT OF A FUCKING TREE! I listen to people tell me just how funny that the tree obsessed FREAK fell out of the thing he loves SO FUCKING MUCH! I watched as nobody, NOT EVEN MY MOTHER OR MY STUPID FUCKING T-THERAPIST QUESTIONED HOW I ACTUALLY BROKE MY ARM! Nobody ever thinks that maybe, I don’t like not being able to order my own food or I that I, I hate that I can’t speak a SINGLE FUCKING S-SENTENCE WITHOUT A, A STUTTER! All I want for, for once in my f-fucked up life is to think about me and, and what I feel but why would they because if nobody was looking out for me when I was trying to die then why, why the hell would they give a shit about my life when I’m trying to live it!” 

Evan can’t take all the emotion of finally telling someone how he feels and just collapses onto the ground and letting out small sobs, tears still running down his face but his eyes look lost, like he’s staring at something far away. And for a moment Connor doesn’t know what to do but quickly breaks out of that, dropping to his knees and pulling Evan into his arms, resting his boyfriend’s head on his shoulder and rubbing the other teen’s back.

“I’m sorry Ev, you’re okay, it’s okay, I’m so sorry” Connor keeps repeating this at a whisper as Evan remains in his mostly dissociated state, Connor tries to fully comprehend that his boyfriend had tried to kill himself and hadn’t told anyone, just keeping it inside for months on end. “I’m so fucking sorry Evvie” he pulls Evan tighter to himself and leans against the wall.

“Why, Why did n-nobody find me?” Evan whispers, sounding completely shattered and Connor feels his heart break.

“I don’t know, but I promise Ev, I fucking promise you that I will always find you” Connor whispers back and keeps holding Evan close to him, never wanting to let go.


End file.
